The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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