The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
