I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
