Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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