dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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