Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
