i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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