I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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