My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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