so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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