My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
