I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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