I wish you could order shots online.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
