dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
