I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
