eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
