I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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