I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
