I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
