Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
