Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
