i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
