There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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