Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
