did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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