If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
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