just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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