I CAN MOONWALK!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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