i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
