a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
