shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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