I wannas sexs uuuuu
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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