Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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