I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
