my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
