I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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