The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
