I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize