I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need to calm my uterus...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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