I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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