I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
