My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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