honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
