i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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