It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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