woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
