I swear she didn't look like that last week.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
