you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
