Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
