i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
