I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
