dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
