The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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