I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
